Distracted-Pt.1

July 25th, 2016 was the day I'd looked back on my new years resolutions and realized I hadn't kept a single one. Not. One. I'd started the year with so much hope and determination. Certain I had the solid foundation I'd been seeking in Christ. Nothing and nobody would distract me. Did you hear that enemy? Nothing would distract me! Oh he heard me. And not 3 weeks in sent someone to do just that.

Let me back up just a bit and give a whirlwind synopsis. I was saved at the tender age of 11. Raised in church. Knew right from wrong. But there has always been this insatiable urge for approval. A need for attention. By 19 I was married only because I was pregnant with my first child, by 25 divorced, by 26 RE-married and pregnant with my 2nd child. 28 divorced again and 29 re-married. 30 divorced again. Sensing a pattern here? To say I was co-dependent on men is possibly the understatement of the century. I had no idea how to be alone. After my last divorce which was just a marriage of utter convenience, I was determined to do it without a man. I'd never been more depressed in my life. My alcohol and pill dependence only fueled my hunger for more pleasure (or what I thought at the time was pleasure) and need to be validated. Told I was pretty. Felt like my worth lie soley in my appearance and the ways I was able to physically please others. What did that get me? 2 more children. By 2 different men.

By now you're probably thinking, "wow chick...just STOP". But I couldn't. I don't know how explain it other than addiction. Yes that's the word. Addiction to myself and anything that felt good. But the more it went on, the more I was starting to feel like it wasn't working to fill that void. I was always hungry for it. That validation. That sense of worth. That power trip when I was able to use my sexuality to control another person. Like I would imagine a heroin addict becomes when they've used too much and they can't get a good high anymore that was me. So I turned everything over to God late in 2015 after a particularly bad, embarrassing incident after drinking too much one night. I had officially hit rock bottom with a resounding thud.

Jesus met me there and my life turned around on a dime. It fascinated me how the hunger I'd had for flesh and earthly pleasure now was for the Word of God and absorbing all the knowledge that I possibly could. But the devil knows my weakness. And he was about to send just the right person at just the opportune time to do the worst thing imaginable. Distract me.

I met him online. That was my first mistake. If I was coming out of the pit and truly seeking the life that Christ called me to the LAST thing on earth I needed was to be on dating sites. But there I was. And there he was. Spouting to me all the things I'd longed to hear. He was a man of God. He would be the spiritual leader. And there it was...I was distracted. Focused not on the love of the One there pursuing me, instead focused on someone who told me what I wanted to hear...that was here in flesh and blood. Because that was familiar. The touching. Caressing. Holding. All the PHYSICAL feelings I'd craved and chased after for so long were finally here for me in the form of a man talking about Jesus. Could I BE anymore naïve? You betcha.

Who I thought would be the man to lead me in faith and walk beside me in Christ proved to be precisely the exact opposite. I truly believe his heart is good deep down in there. However, this child of God had so many insecurities and pains needing to be addressed in his own walk (just like me! we had different pitfalls, but our struggles were the same) with our Father we had no business being together. What started out as sweet and seemingly Christ centered became a relationship fraught with anger, resentment, infidelity, jealousy you name it we had it. But I clung to it. Because I was buying into the lie that nobody would want me. Who's going to want a 34 year old single mother of 4? That's a huge undertaking for anyone. This is as good as it'll get...so unless I want to be alone (as if being alone was somehow worse than being in a controlling relationship) I'd better stick it out. So I did.


Until the last time we broke up (possibly the 843rd time). I could feel myself start the search again. Because I'd been so distracted that entire time Jesus was placed on the back burner and though I could feel Him and hear him as he pursued my heart. Lifted my head. I ignored it. I was ashamed. Ashamed of my behavior. Ashamed I hadn't kept my promise not to be distracted. So I started looking again for the next person that was going to give me that validation and worthwhile feeling I'd so desperately craved.

I had typed out my new years resolutions and saved them in the drafts of my email. July 25th I'd made my way back to them. I sat there reading and just wept. I hadn't kept a single one. I hadn't kept my eyes focused on Jesus the way I'd resolved to. I hadn't kept my body and heart pure the way I'd resolved to. I hadn't used my body as a temple in all aspects like I'd resolved to. I hadn't read all the books and gained knowledge I'd resolved to. I hadn't stopped drinking myself into a stouper on a weekly basis like I'd resolved to. I was exactly the same. Over half a year had passed and I hadn't made one ounce of progress. No in fact I'd gone backwards. But it wasn't too late.