Distracted-Pt.2

That sweet, steady voice I'd been hearing and running from met me in a place I couldn't run from anymore. There it was I was staring at the goals He'd placed my heart for this year. I felt ashamed. So ashamed. Beyond ashamed. I felt like I'd wasted the entire year. Made a mockery out of Him. Disappointed Him.

I resolved then and there the last half of this year was going to be the way the entire year was suppose to be. Completely surrendered to Him. I'd been reading about an intimacy fast and it appealed to me. No it did more than appeal to me. It was exactly what I'd needed to do. To break myself away from the world and cycle I'd known for the past 5 years of chasing after my physical desires in order to feel validated. I needed to find worth and validation in my King. I needed Him to make me whole. Jesus was telling me He demanded all of me. He was jealous for me. He had plans for me and the only way I could get to them was if I surrendered it ALL to Him.

So I declared a New Years in July. I resolved to keep my new years resolutions (though it may be a bit too late to squeeze in the 30 books I'd resolved to read but I'd try!) and added 1 more. I was going to fast from intimacy...kissing...touching...sex for a year. My everything now belonged to my Great Romancer. The only ONE who pursued my heart.

So here I am 2 weeks in. You want to know what has happened? Week one was phenominal. As I think everything is when we first set out in the pursuit of something new it's exciting and we're gungho about it. We're optimistic and it feels easy because it's so new. Then week 2 rolled around and here's what happened:

1. All my money is gone. My job isn't enough to afford basic things currently like the phone bill (my phone is currently sitting silent but I gotta say I'm not completely hating that), and my childcare bill is behind.
2. My car completely broke down. On the side of the road on the way to work. Beginning of the week. Died it's inevitable death. I've been working from home and thankful for the friends that have given me a lift here and there. I don't know what the future holds in this regard. And that's okay
3. The boyfriend mentioned in this post and the last resurfaced. I shouldn't have been surprised. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy and that's precisely what that was meant to do. I was very stern and stood my ground soundly. But then I caved. Again so disappointed in my weak resolve to not DATE anyone I did agree to try again with a relationship minus the physicality.

So what did I do with #3? I compromised. I compromised and thought, "wow he seems to have really changed. This time will be different surely." All I can say is PRAISE GOD it took less than 24 hours for his true colors to reveal themselves again and I was able to cut ties seamlessly as though nothing had happened, (and yes I was still able to keep the intimacy vow, God is good and this man lives 4 hours from me so correspondence was just via social media..no physical anything). But it HAD happened. And it DID open my eyes to my weakness. That the weakness was still very much present, and I had a long road ahead with my Beloved Jesus in this journey he's sent me on.

The devil is alive and at work in my life. He must see some flicker of the future in what my Father has set up for me if I continue to follow Him, and see where He's working. Through all these trials I can say PRAISE GOD. That means He's working overtime on this heart to shape and mold it for His glory.

So though I was distracted, God has shifted my focus back on Him and His mercy. What a picture of perfect, precious romance.

Distracted-Pt.1

July 25th, 2016 was the day I'd looked back on my new years resolutions and realized I hadn't kept a single one. Not. One. I'd started the year with so much hope and determination. Certain I had the solid foundation I'd been seeking in Christ. Nothing and nobody would distract me. Did you hear that enemy? Nothing would distract me! Oh he heard me. And not 3 weeks in sent someone to do just that.

Let me back up just a bit and give a whirlwind synopsis. I was saved at the tender age of 11. Raised in church. Knew right from wrong. But there has always been this insatiable urge for approval. A need for attention. By 19 I was married only because I was pregnant with my first child, by 25 divorced, by 26 RE-married and pregnant with my 2nd child. 28 divorced again and 29 re-married. 30 divorced again. Sensing a pattern here? To say I was co-dependent on men is possibly the understatement of the century. I had no idea how to be alone. After my last divorce which was just a marriage of utter convenience, I was determined to do it without a man. I'd never been more depressed in my life. My alcohol and pill dependence only fueled my hunger for more pleasure (or what I thought at the time was pleasure) and need to be validated. Told I was pretty. Felt like my worth lie soley in my appearance and the ways I was able to physically please others. What did that get me? 2 more children. By 2 different men.

By now you're probably thinking, "wow chick...just STOP". But I couldn't. I don't know how explain it other than addiction. Yes that's the word. Addiction to myself and anything that felt good. But the more it went on, the more I was starting to feel like it wasn't working to fill that void. I was always hungry for it. That validation. That sense of worth. That power trip when I was able to use my sexuality to control another person. Like I would imagine a heroin addict becomes when they've used too much and they can't get a good high anymore that was me. So I turned everything over to God late in 2015 after a particularly bad, embarrassing incident after drinking too much one night. I had officially hit rock bottom with a resounding thud.

Jesus met me there and my life turned around on a dime. It fascinated me how the hunger I'd had for flesh and earthly pleasure now was for the Word of God and absorbing all the knowledge that I possibly could. But the devil knows my weakness. And he was about to send just the right person at just the opportune time to do the worst thing imaginable. Distract me.

I met him online. That was my first mistake. If I was coming out of the pit and truly seeking the life that Christ called me to the LAST thing on earth I needed was to be on dating sites. But there I was. And there he was. Spouting to me all the things I'd longed to hear. He was a man of God. He would be the spiritual leader. And there it was...I was distracted. Focused not on the love of the One there pursuing me, instead focused on someone who told me what I wanted to hear...that was here in flesh and blood. Because that was familiar. The touching. Caressing. Holding. All the PHYSICAL feelings I'd craved and chased after for so long were finally here for me in the form of a man talking about Jesus. Could I BE anymore naïve? You betcha.

Who I thought would be the man to lead me in faith and walk beside me in Christ proved to be precisely the exact opposite. I truly believe his heart is good deep down in there. However, this child of God had so many insecurities and pains needing to be addressed in his own walk (just like me! we had different pitfalls, but our struggles were the same) with our Father we had no business being together. What started out as sweet and seemingly Christ centered became a relationship fraught with anger, resentment, infidelity, jealousy you name it we had it. But I clung to it. Because I was buying into the lie that nobody would want me. Who's going to want a 34 year old single mother of 4? That's a huge undertaking for anyone. This is as good as it'll get...so unless I want to be alone (as if being alone was somehow worse than being in a controlling relationship) I'd better stick it out. So I did.


Until the last time we broke up (possibly the 843rd time). I could feel myself start the search again. Because I'd been so distracted that entire time Jesus was placed on the back burner and though I could feel Him and hear him as he pursued my heart. Lifted my head. I ignored it. I was ashamed. Ashamed of my behavior. Ashamed I hadn't kept my promise not to be distracted. So I started looking again for the next person that was going to give me that validation and worthwhile feeling I'd so desperately craved.

I had typed out my new years resolutions and saved them in the drafts of my email. July 25th I'd made my way back to them. I sat there reading and just wept. I hadn't kept a single one. I hadn't kept my eyes focused on Jesus the way I'd resolved to. I hadn't kept my body and heart pure the way I'd resolved to. I hadn't used my body as a temple in all aspects like I'd resolved to. I hadn't read all the books and gained knowledge I'd resolved to. I hadn't stopped drinking myself into a stouper on a weekly basis like I'd resolved to. I was exactly the same. Over half a year had passed and I hadn't made one ounce of progress. No in fact I'd gone backwards. But it wasn't too late.