I resolved then and there the last half of this year was going to be the way the entire year was suppose to be. Completely surrendered to Him. I'd been reading about an intimacy fast and it appealed to me. No it did more than appeal to me. It was exactly what I'd needed to do. To break myself away from the world and cycle I'd known for the past 5 years of chasing after my physical desires in order to feel validated. I needed to find worth and validation in my King. I needed Him to make me whole. Jesus was telling me He demanded all of me. He was jealous for me. He had plans for me and the only way I could get to them was if I surrendered it ALL to Him.
So I declared a New Years in July. I resolved to keep my new years resolutions (though it may be a bit too late to squeeze in the 30 books I'd resolved to read but I'd try!) and added 1 more. I was going to fast from intimacy...kissing...touching...sex for a year. My everything now belonged to my Great Romancer. The only ONE who pursued my heart.
So here I am 2 weeks in. You want to know what has happened? Week one was phenominal. As I think everything is when we first set out in the pursuit of something new it's exciting and we're gungho about it. We're optimistic and it feels easy because it's so new. Then week 2 rolled around and here's what happened:
1. All my money is gone. My job isn't enough to afford basic things currently like the phone bill (my phone is currently sitting silent but I gotta say I'm not completely hating that), and my childcare bill is behind.
2. My car completely broke down. On the side of the road on the way to work. Beginning of the week. Died it's inevitable death. I've been working from home and thankful for the friends that have given me a lift here and there. I don't know what the future holds in this regard. And that's okay
3. The boyfriend mentioned in this post and the last resurfaced. I shouldn't have been surprised. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy and that's precisely what that was meant to do. I was very stern and stood my ground soundly. But then I caved. Again so disappointed in my weak resolve to not DATE anyone I did agree to try again with a relationship minus the physicality.
So what did I do with #3? I compromised. I compromised and thought, "wow he seems to have really changed. This time will be different surely." All I can say is PRAISE GOD it took less than 24 hours for his true colors to reveal themselves again and I was able to cut ties seamlessly as though nothing had happened, (and yes I was still able to keep the intimacy vow, God is good and this man lives 4 hours from me so correspondence was just via social media..no physical anything). But it HAD happened. And it DID open my eyes to my weakness. That the weakness was still very much present, and I had a long road ahead with my Beloved Jesus in this journey he's sent me on.
The devil is alive and at work in my life. He must see some flicker of the future in what my Father has set up for me if I continue to follow Him, and see where He's working. Through all these trials I can say PRAISE GOD. That means He's working overtime on this heart to shape and mold it for His glory.
So though I was distracted, God has shifted my focus back on Him and His mercy. What a picture of perfect, precious romance.
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